18.10.10

A house made of wood and beams...

I attend a university course to get good grades so I can make you proud.

I try my best to make use of every second so I can gain your love. 

I juggle 2 jobs so that "my 1 minute" will not seem so incomparable and insignificant in terms of importance, relative to yours or her 1 minute.

I read the books that you tell me to, so that you will credit me with some knowledge and intelligence when I speak. 

I apply for everything and anything prestigious so I can gain some respect. 

I try to make it up to her standards, so that you don't think of me as stupid and incapable.

I do the household chores, hoping that you may treat me nicer with some gratitude.

And then I wonder... why should I even bother to please you so much, when all i get is ... wait a minute... nothing really. More love? -No way. Respect?-Still none more than before. Valued?-Definitely not anymore than the lowest in the family. So why should i bother. 

Just because she waters the gardens and tells you all about her efforts, she gets recognized for doing something so small. And for me? I get "disappointment" as the word assigned to me for not completing ALL the household chores to a 100%. Well guess what, thanks for showing me the meaning of "being utterly biased", I couldn't have found a better way of understanding these words, than truly experiencing it for myself today. 

I may have wanted your love and your respect and some sort of perceived value in your eyes when you look at me, but hey guess what? I was wrong in even hoping that you would see all that I've done. I was wrong to want to live up to your expectations because there is no end to it. I was wrong thinking that I was special in my own little way in your eyes, but i guess not. To be honest, I guess i knew it all along, but today i simply registered and accepted the fact of the matter and hence this is the last time I'm going to feel so hurt and despised because of your harsh words. It hurts now more than ever but at least after today, it will never happen again for me because you're not even worth it. 

We may be blood related, but that is all that's left between us. 

Come the day that I find a way out of this shitty hole, which means nothing more to me than a house made of carpeted wood and beams, trust me I will walk out without a second of hesitation and won't even look back.


1 comment:

bennybooboo said...

u'll always be special in my eyes babe, remember that okay? =D

ILY (L)