25.7.10

song of the day



don't want your lonely mansion with a tear in every room
All I want's the love you promised beneath the haloed moon
But you think I should be happy with your money and your name
And hide myself in sorrow while you play your cheating game

Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
And I dare not drown my sorrow in the warm glow of your wine
You can't buy my love with money cause I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine

Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
And I dare not drown my sorrow in the warm glow of your wine
You can't buy my love with money cause I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine

Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine



Just waiting on your letter...

24.7.10

Feels like this ..

Stones, heavy like the love you've shown

Solid as the ground we've known 

And I just wanna carry on


We took it from the bottom up 


And even in a desert storm 


Sturdy as a rock we hold 


Wishing every moment froze

Now I just wanna let you know...


Earthquakes can't shake us


Cyclones can't break us


Hurricanes can't take away our love...




Still sore?

Ever felt like you were constantly being targeted by someone?
Ever wondered what you did wrong to even deserve this?

Well truth is, Its nothing you did. And its not you, its them.

Right now, there is nothing i want more than just a proper, non-screaming explanation from you, telling me something other than " Bull shit" "stop arguing with me". Seriously - be more creative than just those two phrases because I'm pretty sure that you have more than those two in your range of vocab -

Disrespect. Completely over this.

Immature feelings, turn into immature actions which sometimes, just sometimes causes hurt to those around. And so happens, he did it to me. I can't forget it and neither will i ever try to forget.  What you did cannot be reversed and so please just leave me alone from now. I don't want anything to do with your screaming and unreasonable fits. Please just go for now...

---------------------------------

I miss you monkey... It's getting cold over here.. right now i just wish i could hug on to you for some comfort and warmth. The loneliness is kicking already...

23.7.10

Fish porridge

A bowl of fish porridge turned into a lunch disaster...

It was lunch at our usual spot, down at one of the little Cantonese restaurants in Donny east. I drove there thinking that it would be good because it was one of our last few lunches together before their departure to a foreign land. I drove there appreciating each and every moment with my complete family and the topics we talked about. Suddenly, my sister brought up a change in the plans of where to eat and decided that we would go to the restaurant next door to our initial plans, for their roast pork and accordingly "better" fish porridge. Seating at the front seat of the car, my dad cringed his face at the change of plans and had already began to sound unhappy, asking: "why is the fish porridge there better?" with a tone of challenge.... And little did i know that this tiny issue would turn into the source of ignition to my disastrous lunch. As my sister argued her point, which seemed almost too valid to beat down, dad was left with no place to retreat, but simply to accept the change of plans. He quietly sulked in the front seat and only occasionally did he contribute to any conversation in the car. Minutes later, i realized that we had forgotten to put up my L plate in the front window so i asked him nicely to put it up for me and before i knew it, he had risen his voice and was scolding me for every little thing possible that he could pick up on.
Dad: "I told you to put it up before we left! Why didn't you?"
I softly squeezed in a sentence saying: " ok, well can't you just do it for me, since your in the front seat?"
Dad: " Stop arguing and don't bullshit! I'm not responsible for putting it up for you! you do it yourself!"

In my mind i was wondering 'what the hell is he on about?' Did i say something wrong? or was he just in a bad mood because of the bloody fish porridge plans being changed?

Anyway i kept quiet the whole way to the restaurant, parked the car and left it at that
10 minutes later, we stepped into the restaurant, took a seat and began to discuss the dishes of our choice.
15 minutes later, we still hadn't ordered so I made a passing remark that would sentence me to hell for the next 1 hour. I casually said: "Can we order now coz I have tuition at 2pm and i want to be back on time for it"

Dad: " You always have to rush! I hate rushing! You're always the ONLY one who rushes us during family meals. You're saying we waste your time having lunch!?"
( btw i wasn't the only one, he always made us rush for his GOLF appointments... it was just friggin golf >=| )

Me: " No!" i began to explain myself "that's not what i meant !!! All i meant was that could we order now because the food will take sometime to come and I am also very hungry! and  just letting you guys know that i have tuition at 2pm!"

Dad: "SHUT UP! Stop arguing with me! You always waste time on all those STUPID things like msn and watching your STUPID tv and videos! And then when we come out for lunch you say we're wasting your time!? "

Me: "I already said that that is not what i meant !!!!!! I just wanted to order quickly so we can get our food coz..."

Dad: "SHUT UP!"

It echoed all throughout the tiny restaurant which was the size of my room and everyone was listening in on the conversation now. I was stuck with nowhere to go but face it and shut up to his unreasonableness and swallow it.

EMBARRASSMENT, SHAME AND HURT WAS all I felt.

I had nowhere to hide and my eyes watered like crazy. I hated him! I hated the way he embarrassed me in public and screamed at me for something that wasn't even the source of his anger! All he wanted was his bloody fuckin fish porridge and all that mattered to him was that he got his way in everything. All that mattered to him was that he won in every argument, completely disregarding the words he had to use and the depth and kind of hurt he had caused others.

For the next 40 minutes, life was torture, eating was like swallowing the most bitter food I've ever tasted in my life. It was absolute torture. Finally, the 40 minutes of hell came to an end when we.. actually "they" finished their lunch (since i hadn't eaten anything much from the table of delicious dishes that would usually leave me full and happy) I quickly made my way out of the restaurant and told myself I am never going to go back there again.

We got in the car and this time mum drove. On the way my student msg-ed me to tell me that she wanted the tuition at box hill. The only problem was I was completely bounded to my parents or sister as they were my only means of transport to box hill library, given the short 20mins that i was left to work with. We msg-ed each other, back and forth and finally came to the conclusion that tuition would be cancelled for the day as none of us had a form of transport. At that point we had just drove up into the drive way of our house. I contemplated if it was best to stay silent or to let mum know that my student had cancelled the session. I decided to be a smart arse and said it anyway. Once again, being honest lead to no good. After i notified them about the cancellation, Dad raged at me once again taking the opportunity to unreasonably dispose off his displeasures and whatever anger was left over in him from the lunch, at me.
Dad: "WHY DID U MENTION IT ONLY WHEN WE GOT HOME!?!?"
Feeling like i had to explain myself, i went ahead and said so: " She JUST cancelled it JUST only and so i tell immediately when she cancels it! what do you want me to do!!!"  - WHICH was of course the TRUTH!
Dad: " BULLSHIT! STOP ARGUING AND SHUTTUP!"

once again he used those words at me when he had no reason left to scold me for. "bullshit" "stop arguing" "Shuttup". Those are the words that hurt me once and will no longer hurt me again. I told myself from that moment on that I'm sick of his immature bullshit and sick of being a lamb for his anger management issues and his pride.

All of this for a stupid Fish porridge, that wasn't even worth my hurt and my shame and my embarrassment and worse- it was in public.

So tired and so sick of everything. Just want to get away....

22.7.10

Just what i wanted....

I got the job at kumon =D WHEEEEE im starting on monday =D how awesomeeee! Its good that im at least taking my first step to starting with my savings for the mid year trip !!!

I stood there in the middle of the busy streets thinking, what will it take for me to get there? What will it take? I stared at the tall corporate buildings before me and tried to picture myself looking down on the streets of the CBD from the top floor, that i imagined was the place where the senior positions had offices and where i imagined I would belong. The corporate suits, the smart look and the busy and stressed faces was what i wanted. I wanted to feel like I was pressed for time, like i was part of the working rush. I wanted to feel like I was busy all the time and never had time for myself. My thoughts went on and on, thinking to myself what i needed to do to land myself in a corporate suit, in a decent job! I just needed to be surrounded by people, things or at least things to do, datelines and workloads so as to avoid the feeling of being misplaced and the feeling of loneliness.
Before i knew it, loneliness had quietly crept its way inside me, which made me even colder with the already icy strong winds. I realized that I was really all by myself, without my other half to lean on and without anyone to just talk rubbish to. It was scary and chilly and at that moment, i wanted nothing more than to cuddle into the arms of a familiar someone, who had previously always been there for me.



Wherever i go, Whatever i do... I can't seem to think of anything else but you. 

21.7.10

LOL RIPPED MUCH?!!!! ZOMG... NO WONDER THEY ASKED HIM TO MODEL FOR THEM! DAYUMM THOSE PROTEIN SHAKES!

Blisters are lovely n i need new sports shoes / soccer shoes would be nice....

When in to the city for an interview which left me depressed to the point that i craved ice cream. It barely lasted more than 4 mins... Could i have been that bad?? Or was it really the truth that they were ONLY looking for a full time worker? I'd like to believe so i guess.... Anyway i dressed up went there and came back with nothing but a fall on the ground. Then i went to ben wong's house and had some instant noodles because i was so friggin hungry that i could faint -.- and watched dan eat and sip at the chilli soup infront of him. It was a funny sight though. Dan coles eating SHIM RAM YUN noodles hahaha !!! Looks like someone is getting into korean stuff... i.e. girls*cough* maybe?
After which we headed out to the park for some INTENSE soccer!!!! Damn it ben HENG =.= i should've never said a word about beating u!! You know... these guys they trained me so hard that i ended up picking up not one, not two but ALLLLL of the balls that they kicked to the FARRR (VERY FAR) ends of the friggin OVAL (which is like friggin BIG) =.="" on top of all the "drills" that they assigned to me !!! ... n man that torturing session lasted 2 hours !!! I'm totally going to be sick for the next 2 weeks ( i alrdy feel it in my body) when they need to train LOL. 
I have blisters =[ on the bottom of my feet coz of my shitty shoes n the hard training !!! ='[ they hurttt.... n now i  am walking like a crab coz of them!!! 2 on each foot! lovely isnt it?? OUCH =[
note to self*:  I NEED NEW SHOES, nice pink soccer boots could do !

Anyway I'm not gonna give up though! i'll beat you regardless >=] n they said i trained pretty well today! so it should be ALL good! LOLOL p.s. guess what phungy's no. 1 rule is (he calls himself the master) ANyway... his no.1 rule is "never rage at the master"! well i kinda raged quit for abit coz i wasn't getting a hang of things LOl but i picked it back up n kept going ! im so proud of myself u wont believe it =.=""" i endured the 2 hours  and survived ! =D 

Well thats all for today... i will be back tmr with more to say and hopefully less of those LOVELY blisters... 

Oh n im going back to kumon to work =.=" coz i've given up looking for jobs ... n its the only job that suits my time !!! starts just after uni and finishes before 7 ! (the curfew my mum put on me)


i miss you heaps and hope that you're thinking of me too. <3



19.7.10

When the skies turn grey

The sun's light hid beneath the clouds as the skies turned from bright blue to white grey. The air around me felt heavy and my eyes sore from the roughness of the tissues that constantly dried them for me, over the last few nights. Finally, it was time. The last hug was all that was needed, no words, just mixed emotions. Fatigue, sadness and fear crept slowly into my bones and left me cold. We hugged on tightly in a pack, shoulder to shoulder, head to head and arm to arm, taking in every millisecond left with him. At that moment I felt warmth and love and comfort. I couldn't help but think was this the end of it all? The last group gathering we would have? The last time we would huddle up as a tight knitted pack? It was all too short, too fast and ended too quick. I wanted to hold on, but it was too embarrassing and i couldn't delay him any longer. He had to go, so i pushed away and let him go. My heart started to cringed and it really got to me. It hurt... more and more the further away he drove and soon his car disappeared around the corner of what seemed like such a short street.... 
I dropped my head and shut my eyes, wishing it was just a dream...