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28.12.10
Recollection
The day began as any other day would...but little did I know that an accident was about to happen, in which would change my perspective on driving entirely...
All I could see was the corner (junction) from which the cars were turning. There was no view on the cars that had already turned the corner thanks to all the illegally parked cars on the street after the junction. I edged out after seeing no turning cars at the corner, anticipating that there were no cars already on the street... so i went for it... and it all happened so fast that I could barely remember what I saw or what happened. All I know was that, one moment the car wasn't there and the next moment it appeared right in front of my drivers seat window. I saw the car coming at me and yet my feet were helplessly frozen between the breaks and the accelerator, not knowing which one to step onto... so in the end i hit the breaks because it happened automatically... but looking back on it, if i hadn't hit those breaks, the car wouldn't have hit my side on so badly.
Each time i think about the incident in an attempt to recollect what happened step by step, my mind cringes at every thought, leaving me tired and drained after 10 minutes of trying to remember what exactly happened and how the car actually hit mine.
5 seconds and thats all it took for my memory to be scarred... those 5 seconds of memory haunts me when i close my eyes, because all i can remember is the car coming at me and not stopping and then the loud bang against my door, with just a car door between me, my seat and the car.
All I could see was the corner (junction) from which the cars were turning. There was no view on the cars that had already turned the corner thanks to all the illegally parked cars on the street after the junction. I edged out after seeing no turning cars at the corner, anticipating that there were no cars already on the street... so i went for it... and it all happened so fast that I could barely remember what I saw or what happened. All I know was that, one moment the car wasn't there and the next moment it appeared right in front of my drivers seat window. I saw the car coming at me and yet my feet were helplessly frozen between the breaks and the accelerator, not knowing which one to step onto... so in the end i hit the breaks because it happened automatically... but looking back on it, if i hadn't hit those breaks, the car wouldn't have hit my side on so badly.
Each time i think about the incident in an attempt to recollect what happened step by step, my mind cringes at every thought, leaving me tired and drained after 10 minutes of trying to remember what exactly happened and how the car actually hit mine.
5 seconds and thats all it took for my memory to be scarred... those 5 seconds of memory haunts me when i close my eyes, because all i can remember is the car coming at me and not stopping and then the loud bang against my door, with just a car door between me, my seat and the car.
6.11.10
Sometimes you feel like you want to run away
From the rain and the blue skies that turn to grey
And there’s no turning back
So how will he react when you’re gone
It’s like living on two separate worlds at the same time
With all communications online
So let me turn off your satellite, he’s not there
If you’re looking for superman, i’m your superman
Lyrics that come to life especially when those words nail what you really feel.
Anyways today was rather draining, but on the upside I did get to see a few dear friends whom i havent seen in quite sometime. =D it was not a productive day at the library but a good one because of the company i had! And coming home to see and old friend made the day complete =D
The feeling of rekindled friendship is awesome.
thats all for now ! time to dive into the world of financial accounting =D and continue chatting on skype =D
5.11.10
Its 1.05 am and i really should be sleeping, but the thought of falling into another deep sleep is scary because of the nightmares that i've been having lately. What is it with nightmares that come back time and time again to haunt me? Just when I thought i've gotten rid of them... they creep back into my mind and take away my good sleep that i'm currently in desperate need off. =[
Anyway tomorrow is a big day for 8 Harcourt street. Mum is holding a big English-styled High Tea Party, with white tea sets, white laced table cloths, a wide spread of various delicate cakes and tarts, 3 tier plates full of classy sandwiches and last but not least 20 over guests dressed up: Ladies in dresses and Men in Smart look.
Sooo exciting =D Maybe thats why i can't sleep ! Anyhhoo I'm going to try and get some sleep now so tomorrow i don't end up looking like a walking corpse with panda eyes =___=
Nights S2
Its 1.05 am and i really should be sleeping, but the thought of falling into another deep sleep is scary because of the nightmares that i've been having lately. What is it with nightmares that come back time and time again to haunt me? Just when I thought i've gotten rid of them... they creep back into my mind and take away my good sleep that i'm currently in desperate need off. =[
Anyway tomorrow is a big day for 8 Harcourt street. Mum is holding a big English-styled High Tea Party, with white tea sets, white laced table cloths, a wide spread of various delicate cakes and tarts, 3 tier plates full of classy sandwiches and last but not least 20 over guests dressed up: Ladies in dresses and Men in Smart look.
Sooo exciting =D Maybe thats why i can't sleep ! Anyhhoo I'm going to try and get some sleep now so tomorrow i don't end up looking like a walking corpse with panda eyes =___=
Nights =D
2.11.10
Thats the last straw.
I wanted to tell you all of this, but you weren't there when i called... so i guess i had to blog it out instead:
Ever felt like it wouldn't make a difference whether you were present or not...?
...The place i live in is called a house, not a home,
3 family members, but not a family,
1 sibling, but not a sister,
2 parents, half a father and half a mother...
It felt that way and it hurt that it really didn't matter whether i was sitting there at the dinner table or not...
It felt as if everytime i asked a question, it would be ignored...
E.g. 1
Me: Whats the weather tomorrow dad ?
(before dad says anything)
SIster: *asks another unrelated question*
Dad: *answers sister*...
Me: Dad, i asked what was the weather tmr like?
Dad: *still ignores me n continues conversing with sister*
E.g.2
Me: *where can i buy this?*
Mum: oh you can buy it at
Sister: *cuts in and asks another completely random question
Mum: *completely forgets about answering my qs and starts talking to sister*
Did it really matter that i was still there and that i was half way through getting an answer? Even though it wasn't an important question... it still mattered... especially when that is the "half answer" that i get every single damn time that i try to make a conversation with my parents.
Maybe you're right, maybe i'm a runner because i'd rather not come home and avoid everything at home... But all of this would not have happened if she had treasured this relationship just a little more than trampling all over it.
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that the words that come out of my mouth are less important or have less value than hers....
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that my every minute is less important than hers...
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that all the initiation and respect has to come from me first...
I've ALWAYS been the one to say sorry and say it first, irregardless of who is right or wrong, but it doesn't mean that i should still be the one who gives in... now whatsoever happened to the old adage that "older siblings should give in to younger silblings"... ? yeh right...
Just because I've given the unconditional respect for the last 18 years doesn't mean that i should still keep doing it, and don't ask for any respect in return...
Since young, i'd always thought that if i did more for you and did whatever you asked of me, you would like me just that little bit more and would do for me the things that i see other older siblings do for their younger siblings... i.e. take them out willingly, or hold their hand when they cross the road willingly...
But i grew up hoping and wishing for something that was quite the impossible, and i've come to acknowledge that, so it's ok...But the least you could give me is some respect and some pride...
You have your pride and so do I, you can't expect me to give in to my older sibling all the time...
Never again will i fork out such unconditional respect and love for someone who will ruthlessly trample upon it and take it forgranted... too long i've held on to that respect and too long have i given in to you...
I hate her self-centeredness and that ego that disallows the people around her to have their pride.
I hate this home.
Ever felt like it wouldn't make a difference whether you were present or not...?
...The place i live in is called a house, not a home,
3 family members, but not a family,
1 sibling, but not a sister,
2 parents, half a father and half a mother...
It felt that way and it hurt that it really didn't matter whether i was sitting there at the dinner table or not...
It felt as if everytime i asked a question, it would be ignored...
E.g. 1
Me: Whats the weather tomorrow dad ?
(before dad says anything)
SIster: *asks another unrelated question*
Dad: *answers sister*...
Me: Dad, i asked what was the weather tmr like?
Dad: *still ignores me n continues conversing with sister*
E.g.2
Me: *where can i buy this?*
Mum: oh you can buy it at
Sister: *cuts in and asks another completely random question
Mum: *completely forgets about answering my qs and starts talking to sister*
Did it really matter that i was still there and that i was half way through getting an answer? Even though it wasn't an important question... it still mattered... especially when that is the "half answer" that i get every single damn time that i try to make a conversation with my parents.
Maybe you're right, maybe i'm a runner because i'd rather not come home and avoid everything at home... But all of this would not have happened if she had treasured this relationship just a little more than trampling all over it.
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that the words that come out of my mouth are less important or have less value than hers....
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that my every minute is less important than hers...
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that all the initiation and respect has to come from me first...
I've ALWAYS been the one to say sorry and say it first, irregardless of who is right or wrong, but it doesn't mean that i should still be the one who gives in... now whatsoever happened to the old adage that "older siblings should give in to younger silblings"... ? yeh right...
Just because I've given the unconditional respect for the last 18 years doesn't mean that i should still keep doing it, and don't ask for any respect in return...
Since young, i'd always thought that if i did more for you and did whatever you asked of me, you would like me just that little bit more and would do for me the things that i see other older siblings do for their younger siblings... i.e. take them out willingly, or hold their hand when they cross the road willingly...
But i grew up hoping and wishing for something that was quite the impossible, and i've come to acknowledge that, so it's ok...But the least you could give me is some respect and some pride...
You have your pride and so do I, you can't expect me to give in to my older sibling all the time...
Never again will i fork out such unconditional respect and love for someone who will ruthlessly trample upon it and take it forgranted... too long i've held on to that respect and too long have i given in to you...
I hate her self-centeredness and that ego that disallows the people around her to have their pride.
I hate this home.
22.10.10
I had plans....
So after coming home from the Law library, I planned to finish off my marketing notes and basically tank it through the night... seeing as it took me about a good 4 hours to only do half of the whole book =[
Yep... I had "plans"... Plans to study which failed massively *SIGH*
I should really study more ? LOL funny because it sounds so familiar, since i've probably said this same sentence a MILLION times over, over the last 7 weeks and DESPITE having said it SO MANY TIMES... sad truth is I still haven't put it to "action" yet =S Yep, I'm starting to get worried that I don't even feel that stressed ( as I OUGHT to feel because since young i've always stressed hard core the 2 MONTHS before exams) .. yet... n its ALREADY only 5 days left !!! ARGH something is seriously wrong with my brain or my nerves... because both don't seem to be functioning normally ='[ HELP MEEEE
THIS IS INSANITY -
Yep... I had "plans"... Plans to study which failed massively *SIGH*
I should really study more ? LOL funny because it sounds so familiar, since i've probably said this same sentence a MILLION times over, over the last 7 weeks and DESPITE having said it SO MANY TIMES... sad truth is I still haven't put it to "action" yet =S Yep, I'm starting to get worried that I don't even feel that stressed ( as I OUGHT to feel because since young i've always stressed hard core the 2 MONTHS before exams) .. yet... n its ALREADY only 5 days left !!! ARGH something is seriously wrong with my brain or my nerves... because both don't seem to be functioning normally ='[ HELP MEEEE
THIS IS INSANITY -
21.10.10
The ''bad news''
Lets see... where should i begin?
Today's weather was perfectly fine and the sunshine simply made the world look like a rainbow in many ways... but all of that only ended up turning into black and white when I received "the news" that made one of my little imaginary snow globes shatter into a million pieces...
Everyone has a snow globe... something that we imagine to have control over or something sweet and child like that we dream of very so often... something that captures what our hearts really desire (whether be it in the Long run or the short run)... it's that one constant thing that keeps us driven to soldier through the crazy moments in life...
So this was my snow globe for the last few months.... I had imagined myself spending countless hours on end with that someone special... we did many things together e.g. go to the beach, sit by the colourfully lited up river banks and breathing the warm damp air of singapore, or even just watching a movie together and feeling good about it because it was so damn cheap compared to aus's prices... and not to forget, the classic scene of watching the sunset together on his balcony of the high rise apartment (which i presume, would have a rather scenic view, given that it is high rise and all)
So the snow globe was all polished and nice untill jsut about mid way through the day when he called to tell me that it was 98% not going to happen... simply because the stupid military decided to ship his black ass off to friggin BRUNEI? I mean ... seriously? like... FOR REAL? FRIGGIN HELL.... how shit can this news possibly make me feel?
Just the feeling of being so frustrated, angry and sore about it, topped off with being completely incapable of doing anything to make the situation change for the better, just makes one feel so.... INSIGNIFICANT .
It's as if your life is simply up to some external over powering figure that pulls the strings in your life - So if he decides to make life difficult, he can just do so...
UNFAIR UNFAIR UNFAIR .... no other word could possibly replace this word in my head right this moment. JUST ARGGHHH stop controlling my life! It feels like whatever I want is never going to happen because you'll just end up taking it away from me anyway!
Sigh... what can one do though, when that external over-power figure is a whole government with a million rules and regulations and not mention punishments for any criminal acts (that had crossed my mind in anger) that i could possibly commit to make a stand against this crazy black suited men (women if any) !
--------------------------------
Shifting away from the anger, today i discovered something really intruiging - known as : ''The cube''. A concept that bamboozled me at the start, seeing how accurate and true it was, when he was analyzing my inner thoughts and emotions. Crazy as it seems, it felt like a mirror was put infront of you to reflect your subconscious mind and ideas that no one has ever seen before.
So Out of it all, i've learnt one thing, thats for sure... It is that the CUBE cannot be explained over here for it must be experienced to give the cube's theory the deserved complexity and value within. i suggest... GOOGLE it? (only because I'm asian) but thats pretty much as much as i can say on this emotionaless diary.
However, its about 12.02 atm so i guess it's time for me to go to bed and sleep on the thought of having a whole day of study ahead waiting for me to get out of the way (if i even end up doing it)... though chances seem slim because of the great 26degree weather that tmr is going to be!
Anyways, laters for now ..
Today's weather was perfectly fine and the sunshine simply made the world look like a rainbow in many ways... but all of that only ended up turning into black and white when I received "the news" that made one of my little imaginary snow globes shatter into a million pieces...
Everyone has a snow globe... something that we imagine to have control over or something sweet and child like that we dream of very so often... something that captures what our hearts really desire (whether be it in the Long run or the short run)... it's that one constant thing that keeps us driven to soldier through the crazy moments in life...
So this was my snow globe for the last few months.... I had imagined myself spending countless hours on end with that someone special... we did many things together e.g. go to the beach, sit by the colourfully lited up river banks and breathing the warm damp air of singapore, or even just watching a movie together and feeling good about it because it was so damn cheap compared to aus's prices... and not to forget, the classic scene of watching the sunset together on his balcony of the high rise apartment (which i presume, would have a rather scenic view, given that it is high rise and all)
So the snow globe was all polished and nice untill jsut about mid way through the day when he called to tell me that it was 98% not going to happen... simply because the stupid military decided to ship his black ass off to friggin BRUNEI? I mean ... seriously? like... FOR REAL? FRIGGIN HELL.... how shit can this news possibly make me feel?
Just the feeling of being so frustrated, angry and sore about it, topped off with being completely incapable of doing anything to make the situation change for the better, just makes one feel so.... INSIGNIFICANT .
It's as if your life is simply up to some external over powering figure that pulls the strings in your life - So if he decides to make life difficult, he can just do so...
UNFAIR UNFAIR UNFAIR .... no other word could possibly replace this word in my head right this moment. JUST ARGGHHH stop controlling my life! It feels like whatever I want is never going to happen because you'll just end up taking it away from me anyway!
Sigh... what can one do though, when that external over-power figure is a whole government with a million rules and regulations and not mention punishments for any criminal acts (that had crossed my mind in anger) that i could possibly commit to make a stand against this crazy black suited men (women if any) !
--------------------------------
Shifting away from the anger, today i discovered something really intruiging - known as : ''The cube''. A concept that bamboozled me at the start, seeing how accurate and true it was, when he was analyzing my inner thoughts and emotions. Crazy as it seems, it felt like a mirror was put infront of you to reflect your subconscious mind and ideas that no one has ever seen before.
So Out of it all, i've learnt one thing, thats for sure... It is that the CUBE cannot be explained over here for it must be experienced to give the cube's theory the deserved complexity and value within. i suggest... GOOGLE it? (only because I'm asian) but thats pretty much as much as i can say on this emotionaless diary.
However, its about 12.02 atm so i guess it's time for me to go to bed and sleep on the thought of having a whole day of study ahead waiting for me to get out of the way (if i even end up doing it)... though chances seem slim because of the great 26degree weather that tmr is going to be!
Anyways, laters for now ..
18.10.10
A house made of wood and beams...
I attend a university course to get good grades so I can make you proud.
I try my best to make use of every second so I can gain your love.
I juggle 2 jobs so that "my 1 minute" will not seem so incomparable and insignificant in terms of importance, relative to yours or her 1 minute.
I read the books that you tell me to, so that you will credit me with some knowledge and intelligence when I speak.
I apply for everything and anything prestigious so I can gain some respect.
I try to make it up to her standards, so that you don't think of me as stupid and incapable.
I do the household chores, hoping that you may treat me nicer with some gratitude.
I try my best to make use of every second so I can gain your love.
I juggle 2 jobs so that "my 1 minute" will not seem so incomparable and insignificant in terms of importance, relative to yours or her 1 minute.
I read the books that you tell me to, so that you will credit me with some knowledge and intelligence when I speak.
I apply for everything and anything prestigious so I can gain some respect.
I try to make it up to her standards, so that you don't think of me as stupid and incapable.
I do the household chores, hoping that you may treat me nicer with some gratitude.
And then I wonder... why should I even bother to please you so much, when all i get is ... wait a minute... nothing really. More love? -No way. Respect?-Still none more than before. Valued?-Definitely not anymore than the lowest in the family. So why should i bother.
Just because she waters the gardens and tells you all about her efforts, she gets recognized for doing something so small. And for me? I get "disappointment" as the word assigned to me for not completing ALL the household chores to a 100%. Well guess what, thanks for showing me the meaning of "being utterly biased", I couldn't have found a better way of understanding these words, than truly experiencing it for myself today.
I may have wanted your love and your respect and some sort of perceived value in your eyes when you look at me, but hey guess what? I was wrong in even hoping that you would see all that I've done. I was wrong to want to live up to your expectations because there is no end to it. I was wrong thinking that I was special in my own little way in your eyes, but i guess not. To be honest, I guess i knew it all along, but today i simply registered and accepted the fact of the matter and hence this is the last time I'm going to feel so hurt and despised because of your harsh words. It hurts now more than ever but at least after today, it will never happen again for me because you're not even worth it.
We may be blood related, but that is all that's left between us.
Come the day that I find a way out of this shitty hole, which means nothing more to me than a house made of carpeted wood and beams, trust me I will walk out without a second of hesitation and won't even look back.
2.10.10
48 Hours, 2 boxes of tissues and a ga-billion sneezes
If i had one wish in the world right now, it is that hopefully in another 48 hours before i die of breathlessness, my nose will clear and so will the rest of the organs in my respiratory system. Times like this i pray for a mint that is strong enough to blast through all that congestion in my head and refreshen my mind so i can go out and play and enjoy the big bright yellow radiator of vitamin E....
But for now... Peri Peri Strips and buffalo wings is what I've been reduced to. Over the last 2 weeks, i've reached a whole new low with food, using only frozen food that bakes in the oven and/or ice cream to give me a brain freeze. Those two were as far as my survival skills would take me.
And where, may i ask, have all my previous ridiculous cravings disappeared to? Nowhere is the answer. I have attributed this loss to my laziness and my inability to whip up something that i actually want to eat and crave because most of the time the things i crave have recipes that are insanely complex to cook. Another factor contributing to my loss of sweet cravings, i reckon would be my age 0.0, which i don't know if its a good thing but hopefully it is. Because then i will reduce the chances of cavities and whatever other diseases that children of this era are commonly diagnosed with... right? *shifty look*
Anyway to be honest, I can't really remember the last time i could properly breathe through my nose without having to hyperventilate like there is no tomorrow. Its' been 48 hours, 2 boxes of tissues and a ga-billion sneezes and the congestion is just getting worse by the second and seriously I'm just about going to give up breathing if the bloody flu medicine doesn't start making my life easier. What's worse is, today's weather is absolutely perfect for a day out in the sun! - but... guess what... not for me though, since i'll be stuck at home with a congested nose, blocked ears, teary eyes and a temperature. FML
But for now... Peri Peri Strips and buffalo wings is what I've been reduced to. Over the last 2 weeks, i've reached a whole new low with food, using only frozen food that bakes in the oven and/or ice cream to give me a brain freeze. Those two were as far as my survival skills would take me.
And where, may i ask, have all my previous ridiculous cravings disappeared to? Nowhere is the answer. I have attributed this loss to my laziness and my inability to whip up something that i actually want to eat and crave because most of the time the things i crave have recipes that are insanely complex to cook. Another factor contributing to my loss of sweet cravings, i reckon would be my age 0.0, which i don't know if its a good thing but hopefully it is. Because then i will reduce the chances of cavities and whatever other diseases that children of this era are commonly diagnosed with... right? *shifty look*
Anyway to be honest, I can't really remember the last time i could properly breathe through my nose without having to hyperventilate like there is no tomorrow. Its' been 48 hours, 2 boxes of tissues and a ga-billion sneezes and the congestion is just getting worse by the second and seriously I'm just about going to give up breathing if the bloody flu medicine doesn't start making my life easier. What's worse is, today's weather is absolutely perfect for a day out in the sun! - but... guess what... not for me though, since i'll be stuck at home with a congested nose, blocked ears, teary eyes and a temperature. FML
Sick but with peace
At about 2pm in the afternoon i woke up to hear an inconsistent heavy breathing, which i realized were my own. In addition to that, the lips were left dried and cracking, nose completely blocked and ears semi blocked - it felt as if my head weighed a tonne. Did it really? So just to check i placed my hands over my forehead and realized it was burning up! Lovely isn't it? Waking up mid way through a perfectly weathered spring like day with a fever isn't really the ideal way to spend the 2nd last day of one's "mid sem" break- which really only lasted 7 miserable days.
Anyway so the day went on as usual and so i stumbled along as usual, following with whatever came my way.
But i shall not bore you with the day's activities, just because something else greater happened today that I feel the need to share.
An unfamiliar mail from an unfamiliar email account popped up in my inbox today. Truth is, I thought it was just another prank email, given the fact that there had been so many recently. As i would have normally done, the moment that registered in my brain, my cursor hovered above the delete sign, ready to press X. But curiosity got the better of me and I decided, why the hell not? Let's just see what kind of prank emails viruses work with today...
Turns out it was not a prank, and thank god i opened it ! =P So if you're reading this, I just wanted to say Thank you old friend. Your care, love, concern and thoughts has come knocking on my door at the perfect time, almost like god had used you to show me something that I've been waiting to feel and see after having lost that spirit for so long. Hard to explain, but bottom line is: thank you so much for your long but truly heart warming message. I will keep in mind these verses and bring them around with me when i tackle my crazy Asian lifestyle. Thanks buddy ! =P <3
Anyways time to go to sleep, its 3.29 am, I'm still sick and unfortunately still breathing..... through my mouth =____= But hopefully when the sun shines tomorrow with a 25degree weather, my nose will decide to be kinder and let me breathe in the smell of fresh spring-like flower scented air that refreshes the mind.
30.9.10
Dating the telephone
The worst feeling ever is to feel like you're in a relationship with someone who is just a figment of your imagination and is gradually fading away in the distance. All of this is torture and more, when one eventually finds himself / herself basing an entire relationship, which once felt so real, on a thin curly black wire called the telephone line, which sometimes doesn't even work very well over the 100000000km of deep international waters. During the short minutes of chatting over phone, how much can be exchanged? And once the call ends and the voices stop crossing the waters through these wires, then there is nothing left but an image of the person in your head and the things they've said or done with u in the past ~ the memories.
So what will one do to make it last? Can it last? Will it last? Will an ancient imprint of that partner and a thin black wire be enough to suffice the whole triangle of the emotional, physical and spiritual sides of any relationship at all?
Well truth is, one will never know, for every individual is unique in their own way and have special approaches in loving someone. Hence there is no one outcome to such relationships... or so i guess?.....and so i wish...
Maybe wishing that this will be different to the usual outcome that these international dividers and deep blue oceans give rise to.
However, the point at which one finds him/herself calling, talking and holding onto the telephone more than he/she is calling, talking and holding onto the person that they are supposedly "dating", is the point of insanity in a relationship - And that's pretty much, dating a telephone line in a nutshell for you.
26.9.10
The suburban home...
On a quiet, gloomy day in a modern looking suburban house, there was me and the dog.
Slouching in my couch thinking of the many worries of life, i stumbled upon the one that i'm simply too unsure off - Distance and loneliness it brings, even more so, when the person you love is thousands of km away in a foreign land, distance becomes a nightmare, maybe even an extended one. Be it a family member, boyfriend, girlfriend or best friend, wherever in the world they maybe, the distance between you and them cannot be made any more real by the ticking of the clock and silence that surrounds you, once you're left alone. And I've found that this emptiness simply cannot be filled with any amount of cute soft toys, calls, messages, letters or flowers no matter how hard one tries to deceive oneself into thinking so foolishly. The presence of that special one, is all that is needed to make things whole again, yet sometimes it is not your will that life allows to unfold, but the will of totalitarian governments and a loved one who is trapped within its nets.
Walking into a house with people in it, feels like home, but walking into a house with no one but cold air feels like a cage. Desperate needs call for desperate measures hence, my unwillingness to come home to a cold house made of wood and beams, with a pile of dishes stacked up in the sink and pots and pans waiting for me to clean. Simply not the home i wished for. Working 2-3 jobs is hell of a lot for a normal person with a warm home to go back to, but not alot for someone who has nothing to go back to.
The most empty point is when everyone leaves for a good reason, so you can't ever get angry or blame them for leaving you behind, yet when silence kicks in and all you want to do is find someone to blame and someone to hold, there is no one there for you, but yourself -
Just another quiet rainy day in the eastern suburbs around melbourne...
1.9.10
Pray - True Vibe
"Thinking through
What to do
You're searching every angle and point of view
Good advice, well rehearsed
Only seems to make matters worse
When you're at a dead end
Where do you go?
My friend, there's an answer I know
Pray, when the road is steep
Pray, when you're hope gets weak
Know the Father hears through
The silence and the tears you
Pray, when you don't know how
Pray, heaven's waiting now
And Jesus is just a breath away
Pray
The deepest sighs
Of the heart
Sometimes it's a struggle when we first start
To wrap our needs up in words
And trust that somehow we will be heard
Draw near, and know you are loved
God hears, and his heart is touched
Pray for the strength you're needin'
30.8.10
ICICLES
Waking up to a cold morning with foggy windows and heavy dews, it felt as if winter was never going to end. The constant rain and lack of sunshine is always there to dampen one's mood and bring a wave of lethargy. There was no escaping, it was another icy cold windy day and it was time to get down to doing the things i had to do for the day:
- drag myself to campus
- and study like crazy for a mid sem test that i had basically no clue of what was going to be tested on - simply because i left it to the last minute to find out? Oh well, at least i tried to study for it the couple of hours before the test =D (but this was just cramping, i had actually already done my preparation constantly throughout past few weeks of the semester =P )
-come home, stuff my face with hot food and die in bed ! ~ oh heaven~
Eventually the day came to an end as i drove into the garage door, packed my books into my already bursting hand bag and dragged the heavy weight out of the car and into my room. The night was even windier and colder than the weather that the morning ice had delivered. It was too cold. Winter's been way too long this time round =[
So by the time i got home, my brains were fried scallops and my fingers were frozen icicles that could drop of any moment though it was lucky for me that I came home to a bowl of hot double boiled soup with veggies and soft broiled duck meat =P a perfect closure to the icy wintery day~
25.7.10
song of the day
I don't want your lonely mansion with a tear in every room
All I want's the love you promised beneath the haloed moon
But you think I should be happy with your money and your name
And hide myself in sorrow while you play your cheating game
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
And I dare not drown my sorrow in the warm glow of your wine
You can't buy my love with money cause I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
And I dare not drown my sorrow in the warm glow of your wine
You can't buy my love with money cause I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
But you think I should be happy with your money and your name
And hide myself in sorrow while you play your cheating game
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
And I dare not drown my sorrow in the warm glow of your wine
You can't buy my love with money cause I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
And I dare not drown my sorrow in the warm glow of your wine
You can't buy my love with money cause I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine
Just waiting on your letter...
24.7.10
Feels like this ..
Stones, heavy like the love you've shown
Solid as the ground we've known
And I just wanna carry on
We took it from the bottom up
And even in a desert storm
Sturdy as a rock we hold
Wishing every moment froze
Now I just wanna let you know...
Earthquakes can't shake us
Cyclones can't break us
Hurricanes can't take away our love...
Solid as the ground we've known
And I just wanna carry on
We took it from the bottom up
And even in a desert storm
Sturdy as a rock we hold
Wishing every moment froze
Now I just wanna let you know...
Earthquakes can't shake us
Cyclones can't break us
Hurricanes can't take away our love...
Still sore?
Ever felt like you were constantly being targeted by someone?
Ever wondered what you did wrong to even deserve this?
Well truth is, Its nothing you did. And its not you, its them.
Right now, there is nothing i want more than just a proper, non-screaming explanation from you, telling me something other than " Bull shit" "stop arguing with me". Seriously - be more creative than just those two phrases because I'm pretty sure that you have more than those two in your range of vocab -
Disrespect. Completely over this.
Immature feelings, turn into immature actions which sometimes, just sometimes causes hurt to those around. And so happens, he did it to me. I can't forget it and neither will i ever try to forget. What you did cannot be reversed and so please just leave me alone from now. I don't want anything to do with your screaming and unreasonable fits. Please just go for now...
---------------------------------
I miss you monkey... It's getting cold over here.. right now i just wish i could hug on to you for some comfort and warmth. The loneliness is kicking already...
Ever wondered what you did wrong to even deserve this?
Well truth is, Its nothing you did. And its not you, its them.
Right now, there is nothing i want more than just a proper, non-screaming explanation from you, telling me something other than " Bull shit" "stop arguing with me". Seriously - be more creative than just those two phrases because I'm pretty sure that you have more than those two in your range of vocab -
Disrespect. Completely over this.
Immature feelings, turn into immature actions which sometimes, just sometimes causes hurt to those around. And so happens, he did it to me. I can't forget it and neither will i ever try to forget. What you did cannot be reversed and so please just leave me alone from now. I don't want anything to do with your screaming and unreasonable fits. Please just go for now...
---------------------------------
I miss you monkey... It's getting cold over here.. right now i just wish i could hug on to you for some comfort and warmth. The loneliness is kicking already...
23.7.10
Fish porridge
A bowl of fish porridge turned into a lunch disaster...
It was lunch at our usual spot, down at one of the little Cantonese restaurants in Donny east. I drove there thinking that it would be good because it was one of our last few lunches together before their departure to a foreign land. I drove there appreciating each and every moment with my complete family and the topics we talked about. Suddenly, my sister brought up a change in the plans of where to eat and decided that we would go to the restaurant next door to our initial plans, for their roast pork and accordingly "better" fish porridge. Seating at the front seat of the car, my dad cringed his face at the change of plans and had already began to sound unhappy, asking: "why is the fish porridge there better?" with a tone of challenge.... And little did i know that this tiny issue would turn into the source of ignition to my disastrous lunch. As my sister argued her point, which seemed almost too valid to beat down, dad was left with no place to retreat, but simply to accept the change of plans. He quietly sulked in the front seat and only occasionally did he contribute to any conversation in the car. Minutes later, i realized that we had forgotten to put up my L plate in the front window so i asked him nicely to put it up for me and before i knew it, he had risen his voice and was scolding me for every little thing possible that he could pick up on.
Dad: "I told you to put it up before we left! Why didn't you?"
I softly squeezed in a sentence saying: " ok, well can't you just do it for me, since your in the front seat?"
Dad: " Stop arguing and don't bullshit! I'm not responsible for putting it up for you! you do it yourself!"
In my mind i was wondering 'what the hell is he on about?' Did i say something wrong? or was he just in a bad mood because of the bloody fish porridge plans being changed?
Anyway i kept quiet the whole way to the restaurant, parked the car and left it at that
10 minutes later, we stepped into the restaurant, took a seat and began to discuss the dishes of our choice.
15 minutes later, we still hadn't ordered so I made a passing remark that would sentence me to hell for the next 1 hour. I casually said: "Can we order now coz I have tuition at 2pm and i want to be back on time for it"
Dad: " You always have to rush! I hate rushing! You're always the ONLY one who rushes us during family meals. You're saying we waste your time having lunch!?"
( btw i wasn't the only one, he always made us rush for his GOLF appointments... it was just friggin golf >=| )
Me: " No!" i began to explain myself "that's not what i meant !!! All i meant was that could we order now because the food will take sometime to come and I am also very hungry! and just letting you guys know that i have tuition at 2pm!"
Dad: "SHUT UP! Stop arguing with me! You always waste time on all those STUPID things like msn and watching your STUPID tv and videos! And then when we come out for lunch you say we're wasting your time!? "
Me: "I already said that that is not what i meant !!!!!! I just wanted to order quickly so we can get our food coz..."
Dad: "SHUT UP!"
It echoed all throughout the tiny restaurant which was the size of my room and everyone was listening in on the conversation now. I was stuck with nowhere to go but face it and shut up to his unreasonableness and swallow it.
EMBARRASSMENT, SHAME AND HURT WAS all I felt.
I had nowhere to hide and my eyes watered like crazy. I hated him! I hated the way he embarrassed me in public and screamed at me for something that wasn't even the source of his anger! All he wanted was his bloody fuckin fish porridge and all that mattered to him was that he got his way in everything. All that mattered to him was that he won in every argument, completely disregarding the words he had to use and the depth and kind of hurt he had caused others.
For the next 40 minutes, life was torture, eating was like swallowing the most bitter food I've ever tasted in my life. It was absolute torture. Finally, the 40 minutes of hell came to an end when we.. actually "they" finished their lunch (since i hadn't eaten anything much from the table of delicious dishes that would usually leave me full and happy) I quickly made my way out of the restaurant and told myself I am never going to go back there again.
We got in the car and this time mum drove. On the way my student msg-ed me to tell me that she wanted the tuition at box hill. The only problem was I was completely bounded to my parents or sister as they were my only means of transport to box hill library, given the short 20mins that i was left to work with. We msg-ed each other, back and forth and finally came to the conclusion that tuition would be cancelled for the day as none of us had a form of transport. At that point we had just drove up into the drive way of our house. I contemplated if it was best to stay silent or to let mum know that my student had cancelled the session. I decided to be a smart arse and said it anyway. Once again, being honest lead to no good. After i notified them about the cancellation, Dad raged at me once again taking the opportunity to unreasonably dispose off his displeasures and whatever anger was left over in him from the lunch, at me.
Dad: "WHY DID U MENTION IT ONLY WHEN WE GOT HOME!?!?"
Feeling like i had to explain myself, i went ahead and said so: " She JUST cancelled it JUST only and so i tell immediately when she cancels it! what do you want me to do!!!" - WHICH was of course the TRUTH!
Dad: " BULLSHIT! STOP ARGUING AND SHUTTUP!"
once again he used those words at me when he had no reason left to scold me for. "bullshit" "stop arguing" "Shuttup". Those are the words that hurt me once and will no longer hurt me again. I told myself from that moment on that I'm sick of his immature bullshit and sick of being a lamb for his anger management issues and his pride.
All of this for a stupid Fish porridge, that wasn't even worth my hurt and my shame and my embarrassment and worse- it was in public.
So tired and so sick of everything. Just want to get away....
It was lunch at our usual spot, down at one of the little Cantonese restaurants in Donny east. I drove there thinking that it would be good because it was one of our last few lunches together before their departure to a foreign land. I drove there appreciating each and every moment with my complete family and the topics we talked about. Suddenly, my sister brought up a change in the plans of where to eat and decided that we would go to the restaurant next door to our initial plans, for their roast pork and accordingly "better" fish porridge. Seating at the front seat of the car, my dad cringed his face at the change of plans and had already began to sound unhappy, asking: "why is the fish porridge there better?" with a tone of challenge.... And little did i know that this tiny issue would turn into the source of ignition to my disastrous lunch. As my sister argued her point, which seemed almost too valid to beat down, dad was left with no place to retreat, but simply to accept the change of plans. He quietly sulked in the front seat and only occasionally did he contribute to any conversation in the car. Minutes later, i realized that we had forgotten to put up my L plate in the front window so i asked him nicely to put it up for me and before i knew it, he had risen his voice and was scolding me for every little thing possible that he could pick up on.
Dad: "I told you to put it up before we left! Why didn't you?"
I softly squeezed in a sentence saying: " ok, well can't you just do it for me, since your in the front seat?"
Dad: " Stop arguing and don't bullshit! I'm not responsible for putting it up for you! you do it yourself!"
In my mind i was wondering 'what the hell is he on about?' Did i say something wrong? or was he just in a bad mood because of the bloody fish porridge plans being changed?
Anyway i kept quiet the whole way to the restaurant, parked the car and left it at that
10 minutes later, we stepped into the restaurant, took a seat and began to discuss the dishes of our choice.
15 minutes later, we still hadn't ordered so I made a passing remark that would sentence me to hell for the next 1 hour. I casually said: "Can we order now coz I have tuition at 2pm and i want to be back on time for it"
Dad: " You always have to rush! I hate rushing! You're always the ONLY one who rushes us during family meals. You're saying we waste your time having lunch!?"
( btw i wasn't the only one, he always made us rush for his GOLF appointments... it was just friggin golf >=| )
Me: " No!" i began to explain myself "that's not what i meant !!! All i meant was that could we order now because the food will take sometime to come and I am also very hungry! and just letting you guys know that i have tuition at 2pm!"
Dad: "SHUT UP! Stop arguing with me! You always waste time on all those STUPID things like msn and watching your STUPID tv and videos! And then when we come out for lunch you say we're wasting your time!? "
Me: "I already said that that is not what i meant !!!!!! I just wanted to order quickly so we can get our food coz..."
Dad: "SHUT UP!"
It echoed all throughout the tiny restaurant which was the size of my room and everyone was listening in on the conversation now. I was stuck with nowhere to go but face it and shut up to his unreasonableness and swallow it.
EMBARRASSMENT, SHAME AND HURT WAS all I felt.
I had nowhere to hide and my eyes watered like crazy. I hated him! I hated the way he embarrassed me in public and screamed at me for something that wasn't even the source of his anger! All he wanted was his bloody fuckin fish porridge and all that mattered to him was that he got his way in everything. All that mattered to him was that he won in every argument, completely disregarding the words he had to use and the depth and kind of hurt he had caused others.
For the next 40 minutes, life was torture, eating was like swallowing the most bitter food I've ever tasted in my life. It was absolute torture. Finally, the 40 minutes of hell came to an end when we.. actually "they" finished their lunch (since i hadn't eaten anything much from the table of delicious dishes that would usually leave me full and happy) I quickly made my way out of the restaurant and told myself I am never going to go back there again.
We got in the car and this time mum drove. On the way my student msg-ed me to tell me that she wanted the tuition at box hill. The only problem was I was completely bounded to my parents or sister as they were my only means of transport to box hill library, given the short 20mins that i was left to work with. We msg-ed each other, back and forth and finally came to the conclusion that tuition would be cancelled for the day as none of us had a form of transport. At that point we had just drove up into the drive way of our house. I contemplated if it was best to stay silent or to let mum know that my student had cancelled the session. I decided to be a smart arse and said it anyway. Once again, being honest lead to no good. After i notified them about the cancellation, Dad raged at me once again taking the opportunity to unreasonably dispose off his displeasures and whatever anger was left over in him from the lunch, at me.
Dad: "WHY DID U MENTION IT ONLY WHEN WE GOT HOME!?!?"
Feeling like i had to explain myself, i went ahead and said so: " She JUST cancelled it JUST only and so i tell immediately when she cancels it! what do you want me to do!!!" - WHICH was of course the TRUTH!
Dad: " BULLSHIT! STOP ARGUING AND SHUTTUP!"
once again he used those words at me when he had no reason left to scold me for. "bullshit" "stop arguing" "Shuttup". Those are the words that hurt me once and will no longer hurt me again. I told myself from that moment on that I'm sick of his immature bullshit and sick of being a lamb for his anger management issues and his pride.
All of this for a stupid Fish porridge, that wasn't even worth my hurt and my shame and my embarrassment and worse- it was in public.
So tired and so sick of everything. Just want to get away....
22.7.10
Just what i wanted....
I got the job at kumon =D WHEEEEE im starting on monday =D how awesomeeee! Its good that im at least taking my first step to starting with my savings for the mid year trip !!!
I stood there in the middle of the busy streets thinking, what will it take for me to get there? What will it take? I stared at the tall corporate buildings before me and tried to picture myself looking down on the streets of the CBD from the top floor, that i imagined was the place where the senior positions had offices and where i imagined I would belong. The corporate suits, the smart look and the busy and stressed faces was what i wanted. I wanted to feel like I was pressed for time, like i was part of the working rush. I wanted to feel like I was busy all the time and never had time for myself. My thoughts went on and on, thinking to myself what i needed to do to land myself in a corporate suit, in a decent job! I just needed to be surrounded by people, things or at least things to do, datelines and workloads so as to avoid the feeling of being misplaced and the feeling of loneliness.
Before i knew it, loneliness had quietly crept its way inside me, which made me even colder with the already icy strong winds. I realized that I was really all by myself, without my other half to lean on and without anyone to just talk rubbish to. It was scary and chilly and at that moment, i wanted nothing more than to cuddle into the arms of a familiar someone, who had previously always been there for me.
Wherever i go, Whatever i do... I can't seem to think of anything else but you.
I stood there in the middle of the busy streets thinking, what will it take for me to get there? What will it take? I stared at the tall corporate buildings before me and tried to picture myself looking down on the streets of the CBD from the top floor, that i imagined was the place where the senior positions had offices and where i imagined I would belong. The corporate suits, the smart look and the busy and stressed faces was what i wanted. I wanted to feel like I was pressed for time, like i was part of the working rush. I wanted to feel like I was busy all the time and never had time for myself. My thoughts went on and on, thinking to myself what i needed to do to land myself in a corporate suit, in a decent job! I just needed to be surrounded by people, things or at least things to do, datelines and workloads so as to avoid the feeling of being misplaced and the feeling of loneliness.
Before i knew it, loneliness had quietly crept its way inside me, which made me even colder with the already icy strong winds. I realized that I was really all by myself, without my other half to lean on and without anyone to just talk rubbish to. It was scary and chilly and at that moment, i wanted nothing more than to cuddle into the arms of a familiar someone, who had previously always been there for me.
Wherever i go, Whatever i do... I can't seem to think of anything else but you.
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