I wanted to tell you all of this, but you weren't there when i called... so i guess i had to blog it out instead:
Ever felt like it wouldn't make a difference whether you were present or not...?
...The place i live in is called a house, not a home,
3 family members, but not a family,
1 sibling, but not a sister,
2 parents, half a father and half a mother...
It felt that way and it hurt that it really didn't matter whether i was sitting there at the dinner table or not...
It felt as if everytime i asked a question, it would be ignored...
E.g. 1
Me: Whats the weather tomorrow dad ?
(before dad says anything)
SIster: *asks another unrelated question*
Dad: *answers sister*...
Me: Dad, i asked what was the weather tmr like?
Dad: *still ignores me n continues conversing with sister*
E.g.2
Me: *where can i buy this?*
Mum: oh you can buy it at
Sister: *cuts in and asks another completely random question
Mum: *completely forgets about answering my qs and starts talking to sister*
Did it really matter that i was still there and that i was half way through getting an answer? Even though it wasn't an important question... it still mattered... especially when that is the "half answer" that i get every single damn time that i try to make a conversation with my parents.
Maybe you're right, maybe i'm a runner because i'd rather not come home and avoid everything at home... But all of this would not have happened if she had treasured this relationship just a little more than trampling all over it.
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that the words that come out of my mouth are less important or have less value than hers....
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that my every minute is less important than hers...
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that all the initiation and respect has to come from me first...
I've
ALWAYS been the one to say sorry and say it first, irregardless of who is right or wrong, but it doesn't mean that i should still be the one who gives in... now whatsoever happened to the old adage that "older siblings should give in to younger silblings"... ? yeh right...
Just because I've given the unconditional respect for the last 18 years doesn't mean that i should still keep doing it, and don't ask for any respect in return...
Since young, i'd always thought that if i did more for you and did whatever you asked of me, you would like me just that little bit more and would do for me the things that i see other older siblings do for their younger siblings... i.e. take them out willingly, or hold their hand when they cross the road willingly...
But i grew up hoping and wishing for something that was quite the impossible, and i've come to acknowledge that, so it's ok...But the least you could give me is some respect and some pride...
You have your pride and so do I, you can't expect me to give in to my older sibling all the time...
Never again will i fork out such unconditional respect and love for someone who will ruthlessly trample upon it and take it forgranted... too long i've held on to that respect and too long have i given in to you...
I hate her self-centeredness and that ego that disallows the people around her to have their pride.
I hate this home.
