Sometimes you feel like you want to run away

From the rain and the blue skies that turn to grey

And there’s no turning back

So how will he react when you’re gone

It’s like living on two separate worlds at the same time

With all communications online

So let me turn off your satellite, he’s not there

If you’re looking for superman, i’m your superman

Lyrics that come to life especially when those words nail what you really feel. 

Anyways today was rather draining, but on the upside I did get to see a few dear friends whom i havent seen in quite sometime. =D it was not a productive day at the library but a good one because of the company i had! And coming home to see and old friend made the day complete =D 

The feeling of rekindled friendship is awesome. 

thats all for now ! time to dive into the world of financial accounting =D and continue chatting on skype =D

Its 1.05 am and i really should be sleeping, but the thought of falling into another deep sleep is scary because of the nightmares that i've been having lately. What is it with nightmares that come back time and time again to haunt me? Just when I thought i've gotten rid of them... they creep back into my mind and take away my good sleep that i'm currently in desperate need off. =[

Anyway tomorrow is a big day for 8 Harcourt street. Mum is holding a big English-styled High Tea Party, with white tea sets, white laced table cloths, a wide spread of various delicate cakes and tarts, 3 tier plates full of classy sandwiches and last but not least 20 over guests dressed up: Ladies in dresses and Men in Smart look. 

Sooo exciting =D Maybe thats why i can't sleep ! Anyhhoo I'm going to try and get some sleep now so tomorrow i don't end up looking like a walking corpse with panda eyes =___= 

Nights S2

Its 1.05 am and i really should be sleeping, but the thought of falling into another deep sleep is scary because of the nightmares that i've been having lately. What is it with nightmares that come back time and time again to haunt me? Just when I thought i've gotten rid of them... they creep back into my mind and take away my good sleep that i'm currently in desperate need off. =[ 

Anyway tomorrow is a big day for 8 Harcourt street. Mum is holding a big English-styled High Tea Party, with white tea sets, white laced table cloths, a wide spread of various delicate cakes and tarts, 3 tier plates full of classy sandwiches and last but not least 20 over guests dressed up: Ladies in dresses and Men in Smart look. 

Sooo exciting =D Maybe thats why i can't sleep ! Anyhhoo I'm going to try and get some sleep now so tomorrow i don't end up looking like a walking corpse with panda eyes =___= 

Nights =D

Thats the last straw.

I wanted to tell you all of this, but you weren't there when i called... so i guess i had to blog it out instead:

Ever felt like it wouldn't make a difference whether you were present or not...?

...The place i live in is called a house, not a home,
3 family members, but not a family,
1 sibling, but not a sister,
2 parents, half a father and half a mother...

It felt that way and it hurt that it really didn't matter whether i was sitting there at the dinner table or not...

It felt as if everytime i asked a question, it would be ignored...
E.g. 1
Me: Whats the weather tomorrow dad ?
(before dad says anything)
SIster: *asks another unrelated question*
Dad: *answers sister*...
Me: Dad, i asked what was the weather tmr like?
Dad: *still ignores me n continues conversing with sister*

E.g.2
Me: *where can i buy this?*
Mum: oh you can buy it at
Sister: *cuts in and asks another completely random question
Mum: *completely forgets about answering my qs and starts talking to sister*

Did it really matter that i was still there and that i was half way through getting an answer? Even though it wasn't an important question... it still mattered... especially when that is the "half answer" that i get every single damn time that i try to make a conversation with my parents.

Maybe you're right, maybe i'm a runner because i'd rather not come home and avoid everything at home... But all of this would not have happened if she had treasured this relationship just a little more than trampling all over it.

Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that the words that come out of my mouth are less important or have less value than hers....
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that my every minute is less important than hers...
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean that all the initiation and respect has to come from me first...

I've ALWAYS been the one to say sorry and say it first, irregardless of who is right or wrong, but it doesn't mean that i should still be the one who gives in... now whatsoever happened to the old adage that "older siblings should give in to younger silblings"... ? yeh right...
Just because I've given the unconditional respect for the last 18 years doesn't mean that i should still keep doing it, and don't ask for any respect in return...

Since young, i'd always thought that if i did more for you and did whatever you asked of me, you would like me just that little bit more and would do for me the things that i see other older siblings do for their younger siblings... i.e. take them out willingly, or hold their hand when they cross the road willingly...

But i grew up hoping and wishing for something that was quite the impossible, and i've come to acknowledge that, so it's ok...But the least you could give me is some respect and some pride...
You have your pride and so do I, you can't expect me to give in to my older sibling all the time...

Never again will i fork out such unconditional respect and love for someone who will ruthlessly trample upon it and take it forgranted... too long i've held on to that respect and too long have i given in to you...

I hate her self-centeredness and that ego that disallows the people around her to have their pride.
I hate this home.

I had plans....

So after coming home from the Law library, I planned to finish off my marketing notes and basically tank it through the night... seeing as it took me about a good 4 hours to only do half of the whole book =[

Yep... I had "plans"... Plans to study which failed massively *SIGH*

I should really study more ? LOL  funny because it sounds so familiar, since i've probably said this same sentence a MILLION times over, over the last 7 weeks and  DESPITE having said it SO MANY TIMES... sad truth is I still haven't put it to "action" yet  =S Yep, I'm starting to get worried that I don't even feel that stressed ( as I OUGHT to feel because since young i've always stressed hard core the 2 MONTHS before exams) .. yet... n its ALREADY only 5 days left !!! ARGH something is seriously wrong with my brain or my nerves... because both don't seem to be functioning normally ='[ HELP MEEEE

THIS IS INSANITY -

The ''bad news''

Lets see... where should i begin?

Today's weather was perfectly fine and the sunshine simply made the world look like a rainbow in many ways... but all of that only ended up turning into black and white when I received "the news" that made one of my little imaginary snow globes shatter into a million pieces...

Everyone has a snow globe... something that we imagine to have control over or something sweet and child like that we dream of very so often... something that captures what our hearts really desire (whether be it in the Long run or the short run)... it's that one constant thing that keeps us driven to soldier through the crazy moments in life...

So this was my snow globe for the last few months.... I had imagined myself spending countless hours on end with that someone special... we did many things together e.g. go to the beach, sit by the colourfully lited up river banks and breathing the warm damp air of singapore, or even just watching a movie together and feeling good about it because it was so damn cheap compared to aus's prices... and not to forget, the classic scene of watching the sunset together on his balcony of the high rise apartment (which i presume, would have a rather scenic view, given that it is high rise and all)

So the snow globe was all polished and nice untill jsut about mid way through the day when he called to tell me that it was 98% not going to happen... simply because the stupid military decided to ship his black ass off to friggin BRUNEI? I mean ... seriously? like... FOR REAL? FRIGGIN HELL.... how shit can this news possibly make me feel?

Just the feeling of being so frustrated, angry and sore about it, topped off with being completely incapable of doing anything to make the situation change for the better, just makes one feel so.... INSIGNIFICANT .
It's as if your life is simply up to some external over powering figure that pulls the strings in your life - So if he decides to make life difficult, he can just do so...
UNFAIR UNFAIR UNFAIR .... no other word could possibly replace this word in my head right this moment. JUST ARGGHHH stop controlling my life! It feels like whatever I want is never going to happen because you'll just end up taking it away from me anyway!

Sigh... what can one do though, when that external over-power figure is a whole government with a million rules and regulations and not mention punishments for any criminal acts (that had crossed my mind in anger) that i could possibly commit to make a stand against this crazy black suited men (women if any) !

--------------------------------

Shifting away from the anger, today i discovered something really intruiging - known as : ''The cube''.  A concept that bamboozled me at the start, seeing how accurate and true it was, when he was analyzing my inner thoughts and emotions. Crazy as it seems, it felt like a mirror was put infront of you to reflect your subconscious mind and ideas that no one has ever seen before.
So Out of it all, i've learnt one thing, thats for sure... It is that the CUBE cannot be explained over here for it must be experienced to give the cube's theory the deserved complexity and value within. i suggest... GOOGLE it? (only because I'm asian) but thats pretty much as much as i can say on this emotionaless diary.

However, its about 12.02 atm so i guess it's time for me to go to bed and sleep on the thought of having a whole day of study ahead waiting for me to get out of the way (if i even end up doing it)... though chances seem slim because of the great 26degree weather that tmr is going to be!

Anyways, laters for now ..

A house made of wood and beams...

I attend a university course to get good grades so I can make you proud.

I try my best to make use of every second so I can gain your love. 

I juggle 2 jobs so that "my 1 minute" will not seem so incomparable and insignificant in terms of importance, relative to yours or her 1 minute.

I read the books that you tell me to, so that you will credit me with some knowledge and intelligence when I speak. 

I apply for everything and anything prestigious so I can gain some respect. 

I try to make it up to her standards, so that you don't think of me as stupid and incapable.

I do the household chores, hoping that you may treat me nicer with some gratitude.

And then I wonder... why should I even bother to please you so much, when all i get is ... wait a minute... nothing really. More love? -No way. Respect?-Still none more than before. Valued?-Definitely not anymore than the lowest in the family. So why should i bother. 

Just because she waters the gardens and tells you all about her efforts, she gets recognized for doing something so small. And for me? I get "disappointment" as the word assigned to me for not completing ALL the household chores to a 100%. Well guess what, thanks for showing me the meaning of "being utterly biased", I couldn't have found a better way of understanding these words, than truly experiencing it for myself today. 

I may have wanted your love and your respect and some sort of perceived value in your eyes when you look at me, but hey guess what? I was wrong in even hoping that you would see all that I've done. I was wrong to want to live up to your expectations because there is no end to it. I was wrong thinking that I was special in my own little way in your eyes, but i guess not. To be honest, I guess i knew it all along, but today i simply registered and accepted the fact of the matter and hence this is the last time I'm going to feel so hurt and despised because of your harsh words. It hurts now more than ever but at least after today, it will never happen again for me because you're not even worth it. 

We may be blood related, but that is all that's left between us. 

Come the day that I find a way out of this shitty hole, which means nothing more to me than a house made of carpeted wood and beams, trust me I will walk out without a second of hesitation and won't even look back.