The ''bad news''

Lets see... where should i begin?

Today's weather was perfectly fine and the sunshine simply made the world look like a rainbow in many ways... but all of that only ended up turning into black and white when I received "the news" that made one of my little imaginary snow globes shatter into a million pieces...

Everyone has a snow globe... something that we imagine to have control over or something sweet and child like that we dream of very so often... something that captures what our hearts really desire (whether be it in the Long run or the short run)... it's that one constant thing that keeps us driven to soldier through the crazy moments in life...

So this was my snow globe for the last few months.... I had imagined myself spending countless hours on end with that someone special... we did many things together e.g. go to the beach, sit by the colourfully lited up river banks and breathing the warm damp air of singapore, or even just watching a movie together and feeling good about it because it was so damn cheap compared to aus's prices... and not to forget, the classic scene of watching the sunset together on his balcony of the high rise apartment (which i presume, would have a rather scenic view, given that it is high rise and all)

So the snow globe was all polished and nice untill jsut about mid way through the day when he called to tell me that it was 98% not going to happen... simply because the stupid military decided to ship his black ass off to friggin BRUNEI? I mean ... seriously? like... FOR REAL? FRIGGIN HELL.... how shit can this news possibly make me feel?

Just the feeling of being so frustrated, angry and sore about it, topped off with being completely incapable of doing anything to make the situation change for the better, just makes one feel so.... INSIGNIFICANT .
It's as if your life is simply up to some external over powering figure that pulls the strings in your life - So if he decides to make life difficult, he can just do so...
UNFAIR UNFAIR UNFAIR .... no other word could possibly replace this word in my head right this moment. JUST ARGGHHH stop controlling my life! It feels like whatever I want is never going to happen because you'll just end up taking it away from me anyway!

Sigh... what can one do though, when that external over-power figure is a whole government with a million rules and regulations and not mention punishments for any criminal acts (that had crossed my mind in anger) that i could possibly commit to make a stand against this crazy black suited men (women if any) !

--------------------------------

Shifting away from the anger, today i discovered something really intruiging - known as : ''The cube''.  A concept that bamboozled me at the start, seeing how accurate and true it was, when he was analyzing my inner thoughts and emotions. Crazy as it seems, it felt like a mirror was put infront of you to reflect your subconscious mind and ideas that no one has ever seen before.
So Out of it all, i've learnt one thing, thats for sure... It is that the CUBE cannot be explained over here for it must be experienced to give the cube's theory the deserved complexity and value within. i suggest... GOOGLE it? (only because I'm asian) but thats pretty much as much as i can say on this emotionaless diary.

However, its about 12.02 atm so i guess it's time for me to go to bed and sleep on the thought of having a whole day of study ahead waiting for me to get out of the way (if i even end up doing it)... though chances seem slim because of the great 26degree weather that tmr is going to be!

Anyways, laters for now ..

A house made of wood and beams...

I attend a university course to get good grades so I can make you proud.

I try my best to make use of every second so I can gain your love. 

I juggle 2 jobs so that "my 1 minute" will not seem so incomparable and insignificant in terms of importance, relative to yours or her 1 minute.

I read the books that you tell me to, so that you will credit me with some knowledge and intelligence when I speak. 

I apply for everything and anything prestigious so I can gain some respect. 

I try to make it up to her standards, so that you don't think of me as stupid and incapable.

I do the household chores, hoping that you may treat me nicer with some gratitude.

And then I wonder... why should I even bother to please you so much, when all i get is ... wait a minute... nothing really. More love? -No way. Respect?-Still none more than before. Valued?-Definitely not anymore than the lowest in the family. So why should i bother. 

Just because she waters the gardens and tells you all about her efforts, she gets recognized for doing something so small. And for me? I get "disappointment" as the word assigned to me for not completing ALL the household chores to a 100%. Well guess what, thanks for showing me the meaning of "being utterly biased", I couldn't have found a better way of understanding these words, than truly experiencing it for myself today. 

I may have wanted your love and your respect and some sort of perceived value in your eyes when you look at me, but hey guess what? I was wrong in even hoping that you would see all that I've done. I was wrong to want to live up to your expectations because there is no end to it. I was wrong thinking that I was special in my own little way in your eyes, but i guess not. To be honest, I guess i knew it all along, but today i simply registered and accepted the fact of the matter and hence this is the last time I'm going to feel so hurt and despised because of your harsh words. It hurts now more than ever but at least after today, it will never happen again for me because you're not even worth it. 

We may be blood related, but that is all that's left between us. 

Come the day that I find a way out of this shitty hole, which means nothing more to me than a house made of carpeted wood and beams, trust me I will walk out without a second of hesitation and won't even look back.

48 Hours, 2 boxes of tissues and a ga-billion sneezes

If i had one wish in the world right now, it is that hopefully in another 48 hours before i die of breathlessness, my nose will clear and so will the rest of the organs in my respiratory system. Times like this i pray for a mint that is strong enough to blast through all that congestion in my head and refreshen my mind so i can go out and play and enjoy the big bright yellow radiator of vitamin E....

But for now...  Peri Peri Strips and buffalo wings is what I've been reduced to. Over the last 2 weeks, i've reached a whole new low with food, using only frozen food that bakes in the oven and/or  ice cream to give me a brain freeze. Those two were as far as my survival skills would take me.
And where, may i ask, have all my previous ridiculous cravings disappeared to? Nowhere is the answer. I have attributed this loss to my laziness and my inability to whip up something that i actually want to eat and crave because most of the time the things i crave have recipes that are insanely complex to cook. Another factor contributing to my loss of sweet cravings, i reckon would be my age 0.0, which i don't know if its a good thing but hopefully it is. Because then i will reduce the chances of cavities and whatever other diseases that children of this era are commonly diagnosed with... right? *shifty look*

Anyway to be honest, I can't really remember the last time i could properly breathe through my nose without having to hyperventilate like there is no tomorrow. Its' been 48 hours, 2 boxes of tissues and a ga-billion sneezes and the congestion is just getting worse by the second and seriously I'm just about going to give up breathing if the bloody flu medicine doesn't start making my life easier. What's worse is, today's weather is absolutely perfect for a day out in the sun! - but... guess what...  not for me though, since i'll be stuck at home with a congested nose, blocked ears, teary eyes and a temperature. FML

Sick but with peace

At about 2pm in the afternoon i woke up to hear an inconsistent heavy breathing, which i realized were my own. In addition to that, the lips were left dried and cracking, nose completely blocked and ears semi blocked - it felt as if my head weighed a tonne. Did it really? So just to check i placed my hands over my forehead and realized it was burning up! Lovely isn't it? Waking up mid way through a perfectly weathered spring like day with a fever isn't really the ideal way to spend the 2nd last day of one's "mid sem" break- which really only lasted 7 miserable days.

Anyway so the day went on as usual and so i stumbled along as usual, following with whatever came my way.

But i shall not bore you with the day's activities, just because something else greater happened today that I feel the need to share. 

An unfamiliar mail from an unfamiliar email account popped up in my inbox today. Truth is, I thought it was just another prank email, given the fact that there had been so many recently. As i would have normally done, the moment that registered in my brain, my cursor hovered above the delete sign, ready to press X. But curiosity got the better of me and I decided, why the hell not? Let's just see what kind of prank emails viruses work with today... 

Turns out it was not a prank, and thank god i opened it ! =P So if you're reading this, I just wanted to say Thank you old friend. Your care, love, concern and thoughts has come knocking on my door at the perfect time, almost like god had used you to show me something that I've been waiting to feel and see after having lost that spirit for so long. Hard to explain, but bottom line is: thank you so much for your long but truly heart warming message. I will keep in mind these verses and bring them around with me when i tackle my crazy Asian lifestyle. Thanks buddy ! =P <3 

Anyways time to go to sleep, its 3.29 am, I'm still sick and unfortunately still breathing..... through my mouth =____= But hopefully when the sun shines tomorrow with a 25degree weather, my nose will decide to be kinder and let me breathe in the smell of fresh spring-like flower scented air that refreshes the mind.

Dating the telephone

The worst feeling ever is to feel like you're in a relationship with someone who is just a figment of your imagination and is gradually fading away in the distance. All of this is torture and more, when one eventually finds himself / herself basing an entire relationship, which once felt so real, on a thin curly black wire called the telephone line, which sometimes doesn't even work very well over the 100000000km of deep international waters. During the short minutes of chatting over phone, how much can be exchanged? And once the call ends and the voices stop crossing the waters through these wires, then there is nothing left but an image of the person in your head and the things they've said or done with u in the past ~ the memories. 

So what will one do to make it last? Can it last? Will it last? Will an ancient imprint of that partner and a thin black wire be enough to suffice the whole triangle of the emotional, physical and spiritual sides of any relationship at all? 

Well truth is, one will never know, for every individual is unique in their own way and have special approaches in loving someone. Hence there is no one outcome to such relationships... or so i guess?.....and so i wish... 

Maybe wishing that this will be different to the usual outcome that these international dividers and deep blue oceans give rise to. 

However, the point at which one finds him/herself calling, talking and holding onto the telephone more than he/she is calling, talking and holding onto the person that they are supposedly "dating", is the point of insanity in a relationship - And that's pretty much, dating a telephone line in a nutshell for you.

The suburban home...

On a quiet, gloomy day in a modern looking suburban house, there was me and the dog. 

Slouching in my couch thinking of the many worries of life, i stumbled upon the one that i'm simply too unsure off - Distance and loneliness it brings, even more so, when the person you love is thousands of km away in a foreign land, distance becomes a nightmare, maybe even an extended one. 

Be it a family member, boyfriend, girlfriend or best friend, wherever in the world they maybe, the distance between you and them cannot be made any more real by the ticking of the clock and silence that surrounds you, once you're left alone. And I've found that this emptiness simply cannot be filled with any amount of cute soft toys, calls, messages, letters or flowers no matter how hard one tries to deceive oneself into thinking so foolishly. The presence of that special one, is all that is needed to make things whole again, yet sometimes it is not your will that life allows to unfold, but the will of totalitarian governments and a loved one who is trapped within its nets. 

Walking into a house with people in it, feels like home, but walking into a house with no one but cold air feels like a cage. Desperate needs call for desperate measures hence, my unwillingness to come home to a cold house made of wood and beams, with a pile of dishes stacked up in the sink and pots and pans waiting for me to clean. Simply not the home i wished for. Working 2-3 jobs is hell of a lot for a normal person with a warm home to go back to, but not alot for someone who has nothing to go back to. 

The most empty point is when everyone leaves for a good reason, so you can't ever get angry or blame them for leaving you behind, yet when silence kicks in and all you want to do is find someone to blame and someone to hold, there is no one there for you, but yourself -

Just another quiet rainy day in the eastern suburbs around melbourne... 

Pray - True Vibe

"Thinking through

What to do

You're searching every angle and point of view

Good advice, well rehearsed

Only seems to make matters worse

When you're at a dead end

Where do you go?

My friend, there's an answer I know

Pray, when the road is steep

Pray, when you're hope gets weak

Know the Father hears through

The silence and the tears you

Pray, when you don't know how

Pray, heaven's waiting now

And Jesus is just a breath away

Pray

The deepest sighs

Of the heart

Sometimes it's a struggle when we first start

To wrap our needs up in words

And trust that somehow we will be heard

Draw near, and know you are loved

God hears, and his heart is touched

Pray for the strength you're needin'